Memoria est eternus

When you exhale the smoke takes life of its own, wrapping itself around your imagination to make the past come alive. It forms your face, only for the briefest of moments. Your eyes are half open, mine half closed. The smoke trails off into elegant, hazy tendrils and like a man high I can see everything in them.

Our lives are memories, exhale and you can see where you come from. Friends, family, love, childhood, laughter, tears, rain, sunshine, victory, defeat...all are alive for us to live again. Maybe I live too much in the past at times, but I can't help it. I'm fond of things I've known and I can't break free of them. Lives lived, moments cherished, laughter shared and friendhips forged. I would be nothing without them, and neither would you.

Why is it that we are rushing blindly ahead? Why is it that we are told not to live in the past, after all its our past that made us into who we are. Memories are my fondest friends in solitude, I pick my brain for the right ones to suit my mood and I always find what i'm looking for. I remember, its what makes me what I am.

You remember them too, right? Of course you do. How many inconsequential details do I remember? Countless. Googly, your hair had a garland of white flowers in them and you were laughing, deliriously (like you always do). Gogi, you were running from wall to wall toting the "world's most electrifying move in sports entertainment". Kamal, you were grinning all the while through our "Dadu Tum" jig. Zooms, you would walk into my room late at night and we'd just talk about nothing, and you'd do your muttley impersonation. Mum's chu-chu and Dad's sheikh saab (of Chili) and even Phopo's Aliya japani topi and all. It can't all have been meant to forgotten.

It's all like an endlless dream from which I wish never to wake up, and it just keeps going on. Osman's declarations off "Scene, On Ho Gaya Hai!" and Sharif's "Doh rupay ki thi". Samay, always doing the mock imitations of laughter followed by her eye-rolls. Jabi, you always used to light up like a light-bulb when you laughed. Monty would always say the phrase "Tu bohat harami hai!" like a compliment. The twins who always failed to see the point but would never let that stop them from laughing about it never the less. Waqas, you will always be such a matyr to be picked on: "Pindi!" Mazzy, the Jaime to my Tyrion (and of course the elder sister to my hunter). Did I forget someone? Nah, I don't forget, remember.

You can't be sad, you've lived so much and you've got so much to remember. A memory for each step you'll ever take, another one for every breath and yet another for every smile. We're all richer for the lives we've lived, yes everyone. If you can remember that look in your mother's eye. If you can remember you father's embrace. If you can remember glances that held meanings deeper than words. If you lose your breath over the past, then you have lived.

I ran like the wind
Chasing storms of fantasy
Fearless, thunder beneath
And I laugh for every drop
The storm spent

Kissing death with fury
Loving life with passion
Jumping for the sky
Reaching for the ground
Always falling, always rising

Memories guiding my way
Running forward, looking back
Dancing with measure
Loving without
Words to live a life by

Memoria est eternus

One Song, Glory

Erratic strumming, fingers too eager to pluck a new cord that they don't let the mind catch up. No words for now, at times its best that way. Just one instrument, it has to be that way...can't let someone steal your show. It's your song, after all.

Sing, you know you can't stop yourself. Don't search for the words, you've been dying to sing this song for all your life. What's the word going to be? Not any word, the word, the one that gives it meaning. If I choose love, then i'd be singing about life and that's been done, still maybe I could do it better. But see i'm thinking, that's not it...i'll know the word when I see it.

Close your eyes, you can't be here when you sing it. Your song isn't meant to be shared, it's just yours. So close your eyes and sing, and whatever you do, don't stop.

Sing. Sing. Sing.

That's what my life will come down to in the end, a song. I think anything that can be expressed in a 900-page densely packed tome, can be summarized in one word. I could tell you how I feel or I could just smile and you'll wonder what you really learnt more from. Words, emotions and people just work that way.

They say anything but the girl, dammit what's there left after the girl? She smiles and you swoon, she frowns and you cry, she looks your way and you can just read those eyes, Ocean Eyes. Mysteries, they're great because you can never quite guess what's next and every step you take towards unravelling them only leaves you deeper in their trance. Skin doesn't tingle at touch, it just goes numb much like the mind. It's nothing, hey there's a word 'nothing', I wonder if that'll be my song.

Burning, some songs will go that way, Cobain's did, and who is to say that isn't a good word. When you've done it all, you've shined too brightly for this world so its time to shine somewhere else. I'd never do it, I'm a slow learner so I very much doubt i'll get around to doing it 'all' anytime soon. People live lives in a day, you see so much that you feel 60 at 16. You even get that weird wisened look in your eyes, the glaze of knowing.

Wisdom, now there's one I wish I could make my own. I think my granny used to be like that, she just looked at you like she knew too much. I think if i'd asked her a question, she'd have just smiled at me. Wise people never tell secrets, its your secret to learn they think. Don't quite get it eh? Yeah, not there yet...not quite there yet.

What if I don't have courage to sing it? Everyone looks at you, and suddenly you start wondering whether you had it right all along. Maybe it's not your word, maybe you borrowed it, it doesn't feel right now. They'll judge you, that's what everyone does, they judge and then they never think about it twice. I think i'll get off the stage now, they're snickering at me...wait. Snickering at me?! I'll show them a snicker, godamn i'll show them a sneer and then, then i'll sing my heart out.

Euphoria, when the words come out, it'll be your heaven on earth. The words won't seem your own and you'll just sing transforming from that cocoon you never quite grew out off. You'll sing it the day you know you've come home. This is who you were meant to be, and you'll know it.

One song, glory
One song, to leave behind
My word, my only
My heart, to set at peace

One kiss, glory
One kiss, to remember you by
My smile, true to me
My breath, true to you

One bow, glory
One bow, to show love
My One, Almighty
My life, mine be

Teardrops, sighs and lullabies
Songs, words and smiles
You'll never know who you be
Sing it, maybe you'll see